A Week In the Life

As the holiday season rolls upon us,  I thought I would give some thoughts, ideas, and recommendations regarding  some of my favorite books about change.  Why write about this as we are steaming our way through December, you might ask?  Is this some cheesy way to get out of writing about something new? Well yes….and… no.  Sure who wants to get on a creative roll with great new ideas when we have a whole new years worth of columns to write!!!!   BUT no–the end of the year is the perfect time to examine the previous year or years, and look towards the next year.  And since change can occur at any time, why not now.  Do you we really have to start to change using those dopey New Year’s Resolutions filled with grandiosity and half-truths?  No,  change can happen before January 1, 2008. 

 The first book that I’d love to recommend is my personal all time favorite–Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.  This book was groundbreaking when it came out, and  some 20 years later, still shakes people out of their caretaking, controlling and overcompensating behaviors. Beattie’s 10 page assessment of Codependency is usually an eye opener.  Her validating and empowering style is one that many people have benefitted from.

Next on our holiday list are 2 books that do very helpful  things for people with disorders.   The Anxiety Workbook and the Depression Workbook both identify the problems and give step by step suggestions for change.  Its workbook format is quite beneficial since  people can write and reflect upon their answers.

The next book is also a workbook.  The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook  is a long time favorite of mine. I’m pleased to say that I have owned every edition of this now 5th edition helper.  This book is the buffet table of workbooks.  Open it up, figure out your symptom(s), find the strategies, use the tools, practice the tools  and feel better.  The best part about the book is that every technique in it works.

And one more gem for the holiday season.  This is a combo, it has a book and workbook. Entitled Stop Walking on Eggshells, this  is  an eyeopening  book for anyone who lives with a person that has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD).  This book helps the person identify the disorder as well as the effects on the non-BPDer.  It also has useful guidelines for change as well as an excellent set of references for further reading, discovery, and change.

 So there you have 5 books that have helped  many people change.  And since change is possible, good helpful books can be a great start to this process.  Enjoy the books and the beginning of the holiday season.

OK indulge me on this one.  Pretend that you are a sponge sitting on the edge of a sink.  Everyday, someone does the dishes, and you can hear and see the water running.  But not a drop touches you.  Everyday you long for that 1 drop of water that will make you feel better, but everyday none comes your way.  You feel worse and worse, drier and drier and drier.  You feel worthless and hopeless and recognize that you will never ever get that drop that you need.  One day, someone decides to get you wet and immediately you feel incredible relief, yelling out “ah this is what I’ve needed all these years. This is the thing that makes me feel whole.  This is the thing that make me feel good about me”

 When people have unmet needs they feel like the dry sponge.  They go out searching for something  or somebody to fill that need.  The need could be anything–love, security, attention, approval etc.  They could seek out this fulfillment in healhy ways, but more times than not, they use addictive-like behaviors to fill the need.  Once that need is fulfilled they sound like the dry sponge   “ah this is what I’ve needed all these years. This is the thing that makes me feel whole.  This is the thing that make me feel good about me”.  And just like the sponge, once that need has been filled, they want it again & again & again.  The dry sponge theory is in full operation.

Obviously, sponges are not that important in our daily lives–they sell them in cellophane in stores often in packages of 4.  Our “dryness” or unmet needs can not be replaced by a new sponge–it needs work.  It needs honesty. It needs discovery.  It needs change.  These changes are hard to do  without an impartial other to hear them.  If I had a great awareness of an unmet need, I could work on it myself,  and do whatever exercises might be appropriate to make change effective.  This however assumes  that I know what that need is. If in my best efforts to fill a need I keep doing a particular behavior and don’t like the outcome, I might need a third person to ask the obvious question. “why do you keep doing  what you are doing since you have such pain about it afterwards?”.  That objective third person might be able to guide me through the awareness and the opportunities for change.  The biggest changes however need to come from the inside out, not the outside in!!  I can’t keep looking for “the water” to make the  sponge wet.  I need to find a way to make my own “water”–examining how I can fill that need in healthy, productive, mature, and rational ways.  In what ways can I affirm and validate myself as a good, healthy person without others or other things doing it for me.  Ultimately we need to have an unlimited supply of water, that is self created in order to fulfill ourselves.  Once we have  done this we can use sponges for cleaning up dirty sinks.

Imagine a radio station that plays the same song over and over–(I don’t mean the way FM radio is now where you hear the same songs over and over.)  I mean 1 song repeating and repeating and repeating.  Imagine that song being a steady diet of thoughts/feelings of guilt, shame, remorse and self-loathing(GSRSL).  Imagine the endless supply of obsessive thinking and compulsive replays of the thing(s) you did to create or activate these thoughts.  Yes it’s time to change the station–the music must change!!!

People get involved in all kinds of self-defeating/self destructive behaviors.  There are numerous reasons for this–the top ones that I see are:  addictive disorders/mood disorders/self-sabotaging behavioral and personality traits.  The GSRSL may begin before, during, or after the behavior.  The more of the GSRSL, the greater the need for the behavior, the greater the GSRSL etc.  For example– lets says I decide to  smoke a joint.  Afterwards, I feel a lot of GSRSL.  So what do I do?–exactly, smoke another joint, only to feel more GSRSL–isn’t this just a great way to spend an afternoon?!!!    If you want to complicate this example a little, imagine if I had an addictive disorder, knew that it went against all my teachings to smoke the joint, and then smoked it anyway–I would have the trifecta GSRSL of before, during and after-The music must definitely change!!!!

But how does a person change this music? It’s easy to change a radio station, but something this ingrained, obsessive & compulsive is much harder.  Part of stopping this music is recognizing:  1) this is going to be hard to do  2) that I have been doing this for a while, and 3)its going to take some time to stop it.   The key word that descirbes this is permission –  I have to give myself permission to take the time it’s going to take to make this major change.  I’m also going to need to use a variety of approaches to change this thought and this feeling–(i.e. thought stopping, disputing irrational beliefs, identifying affirmations and using them regularly, and finding gratitude despite the pain).   Using this total package will be a first step in a long process of turning down the music of the GSRSL and moving to something considerably better.  I may need to also speak to a therapist to examine why I do these behaviors and what they are “wired” to.  If in fact there is something biologically based, there may be a need for medication to “tune” these thoughts/feelings into healthier ones.  Yes the music can change and although this change is possible its going to take a lot time and hard work. 

On Saturday Night after winning the Middleweight title,  boxer Kelly Pavlik, in a post fight interview, was asked, “what were you thoughts after almost getting knocked out in round 2?’  He stated “sh*t it’s going to be a long night!!!!”

We’ve all had days like this.  In fact, after my own recent  fiasco’s with electricians, light bulbs that didn’t work, fixtures that didn’t work, etc., I could have said the exact same thing.  However a funny thought came through my mind–”you need to accept the things you cannot change”.  This line from the Serenity Prayer

(…to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference)

did exactly what it was suppose to do.  It brought me right to acceptance.  Instantly a great feeling of calm came over me.

The potency and calming effect of  this one line becomes a great coping tool for all situations that are out of our control.  It can become a meditative statement to say over and over.  As I’ve said to more than one client, “it’s a line 1 problem”.(Accept the things you cannot change)   This statement becomes a great shorthand solution for all the agonizing over life’s hassles.  (interesting enough it’s line 2–changing what can be changed is even more potent, but that’s a discussion for another day)

Many years ago, a client of mine was struggling with dealing with family issues.  I introduced her to this whole acceptance concept.  Initially she misinterpreted  the meaning of the word acceptance.  In her mind it meant agreement.  I said you don’t have to agree with how they do things, you just need to accept that that’s how they do them.  With that, magic happened and the same calm I described earlier just engulfed her.  Accept became her favorite word.  It allowed her to literally accept what she could not change.

Fortunately, most of us are not prizefighters trying to avoid getting  knocked out by an onslaught of ferocious punches.  We can duck and weave our irrational thoughts and overwhelming feelings just by using some good coping statements.  Acceptance, using the serenity prayer, is one of the best ways to do this.

Everyday we have situations that cause us pain.  They may be the typical things–car problems, work problems, family problems etc.  Some of us may whine or complain about these things to others.  Some of us may stay silent in our pain, holding it in, but catastrophizing and projecting  inside our brains about their magnitude.

Most of these things although important at the time are inconveniences!!!! They are the hassles of daily life, the things that drive us most crazy.  They are not tragic!!!  Read the newspaper for tragedies, there is  at least one everyday.

When we are able to use the phrase that I like to use, “Inconvenient not tragic” we get perspective and gratitude in our lives.  The things that we are upset about our upsetting, but as compared to[anything in today’s paper], not that bad.  The phrase makes for great self talk for people who are perpetual catastrophizers “Inconvenient not tragic” ,”Inconvenient not tragic”,”Inconvenient not tragic”,”Inconvenient not tragic”–OK  now I feel better.

It also gives us a good focus for our own daily complaints.  One day while working out at the gym, I was complaining to myself about the pain in my back or shoulder or leg(insert one) when I saw a guy who was working out who had 1 leg.  In my mind was the Inconvenient not tragic phrase and the thought “Would you like to trade?”.  Well 1 millisecond later my back/leg/shoulder didn’t quite hurt as much and I continued on my workout.

Perspective & gratitude are great ingrediants for keeping us healthy.  The handy phrase of “Inconvenient not tragic” gives us that quite quickly.

As a marriage and family therapist,  naturally I see  couples in my office.  As you could image they come in to therapy  in different shapes and sizes.  (By that I mean in different places) Some have come in after a recent problem or issue.  Some have had long standing problems  and unresolved conflicts that they put under the rug until they ran out of space under the rug!

What always amazes me(I work with couples not to communicate in absolutes[always/never] is their resilience to pain and discomfort; how couples can handle so much before they recognize a need for help. 

What I understand is that it is the fear of “looking under the rug” that keeps people from examining their relationship issues.  And like all fears it is in a “fight or flight” mode–in this case flight, that keeps them in that avoidance.  Apparently the fear is greater than the pain, therefore they are not willing to go to therapy.  They may seek out self help books, tapes, dvds.  They may go to couples retreats. Some may intuitively recognize the solution to the  problems, but  do not have the tools to fix it.  Some of these solutions work, but sometimes as people have told me, the change didn’t last.

What eventually happens is that couple realizes that they   need to do therapy. Once that occurs, then people will pick up that “10,000 pound telephone” and start the process of change.

 I would love to find a way to bypass this whole process, but recognize that this process although painful, scary, and   frustrating is a necessary step towards positive change and ultimately (hopefully)  marital satisfaction and happiness.

New to blogs, me too.  Why do this?  I don’t know

But like Pete Townshend says

 You can walk, you can talk, you can fight
But inside you’ve got something to write
In your hand you hold your only friend
Never spend your guitar or your pen
Your guitar or your pen
Your guitar or your pen
Your guitar or your pen
Your guitar or your pen

So I guess I have something to write!

This blog is not going to be about worldly events of psychology, the latest studies, political implications of this or that.  It’s going to be a hands-on collection of thoughts, ideas, anecdotes, about therapy.

 As the name A week in the life indicates, it’ll be  weekly blog.  Yes I’m sure I’ll cheat from time to time-writing more than once a week or less, but hopefully it will be weekly.

I would also appeal to the reader to comment, or ask specific questions.  I have always found that as a therapist or trainer that questions are the most important part of the process.     Feel free to contact me  jeffbrandler@gmail.com.